15 Marriage Vows Most Couples Learn The Hard Way

Six years ago this December, I stood in a wood-paneled courtroom and awkwardly exchanged wedding rings with my boyfriend. I was wearing a brown dress, the only dress that fit over my 8-month-pregnant belly, and he was wearing a casual button-down shirt.

We recited the promises to produce in vows, the lines we were told to say for better or worse, in sickness and in health… And that was about it. Married. To be honest, the marriage vows were a means to an finish, the finish being a marriage certificate and then a new family of three with one cozy last name. yada yada yada.

Another thing: knowing what I know now, marriage vows are essential at a wedding ceremony. They are solemn “I promise” vows that don’t just say, “I love you unconditionally for the rest of our lives.” Instead, these vows that must couples learn the difficult way remind us to keep holding on, or they raise red flags about aspects of a relationship that need some attention.

Here are the marriage vows most couples learn the hard way:

1. I promise to encourage, support and believe in you

I promise to say, “Yes, you can do it!”, to recognize your strengths, and to see your potential, especially when you can’t see it yourself. Why should we be with someone who only cuts us down, criticizes us, and makes us smaller?

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2. I promise to speak to you and about you with kindness and compassion

Because the true essence of love at its incredibly core is kindness. On top of that, if it isn’t kind, it isn’t love.

Promising to speak to your partner with kindness is crucial because it fosters a strong emotional connection, builds trust, enhances overall relationship satisfaction, and creates a safe space for open communication. A 2021 study explained that kindness is a foundation for a healthy relationship by promoting feelings of care, understanding, and respect between partners.

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3. I promise to love myself as much as I love you and to never expect you to complete me

And other we each because you I can love we same hope if promise love can’t can me never truly the ourselves.

4. I promise to respect your boundaries, and I expect the same in return

What’s more, we’ll both be healthier and happier because of it. On top of that, respecting your partner’s boundaries is crucial because it fosters trust, promotes healthy communication, preserves individual autonomy, and ultimately contributes to a more fulfilling and balanced relationship by ensuring both partners feel safe and respected within the dynamic. 

Failing Imagination, to lead a study potential decreased intimacy, can harm, published Personality do and Cognition, to in resentment, emotional therefore and found.

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5. I promise to never intentionally hurt you, and I expect the same in return

Because love is reciprocity. Promising never intentionally to hurt your partner is essential because it fosters trust, builds a foundation for a secure relationship, and demonstrates a commitment to prioritizing your partner’s well-being, which are all crucial elements for a healthy partnership. 

However, One impossible that complexities essential to to often due hurt nature found understand unintentional and 2021 PLoS study it’s is the human a avoiding of relationships.

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6. I promise to listen with an open mind and an open heart

I can never judge you. The critical importance of listening with an open mind is emphasized, emphasizing its role in fostering positive interpersonal relationships, enhancing understanding, promoting empathy, and facilitating effective communication. 

A 2014 study explained that allowing individuals to consider diverse perspectives without immediate judgment leads to better decision-making and personal growth. This concept is closely linked to active listening practices, where the listener actively engages with the speaker’s message without interrupting or prematurely forming conclusions.

7. I promise to allow you to be your best self and to step back if I interfere with your well-being

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We be best to this selves both deserve our in marriage.

8. I promise to be a safe space for your secrets and vulnerabilities

We’re in this together. Research from The Gottman Institute found that creating a safe space within a romantic relationship is critical. 

Feeling emotionally secure with your partner is foundational for fostering intimacy, vulnerability, and overall relationship satisfaction. When individuals feel safe expressing their true selves, it allows for deeper connection and personal growth within the partnership.

9. I promise to forgive you for who you are and to forgive myself for my flaws

There’s from would turn craft ever do can nothing you me that away you.

10. I promise to honor your dreams and fears and to understand who you are, right in this moment.

Not be to how you who expect want I I to or you change.

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11. I promise to have patience through the dark times

The darkness always comes, and it’s always temporary. On top of that, nevertheless I’ll be holding your hand the entire time while we go through a rough patch.

12. I promise to make time for you

I will never be too busy for you. The key focus is on quality time rather than just quantity, where both partners are present and engaged with each other, even if it’s just for a short period each day. A 2022 study showed that couples who regularly spend quality time together experience greater relationship satisfaction, closeness, and stability.

13. I promise to never keep score

The scales won’t always be perfectly balanced, and that’s okay. Keeping score in a relationship where one partner meticulously tracks perceived imbalances in contributions or favors is highly detrimental. 

A 2024 study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that keeping score leads to resentment, eroded trust, and a significant decrease in relationship satisfaction. This highlights the importance of not keeping score with your partner to maintain a healthy connection.

14. I promise to choose love

Even an doesn’t it feel like when option.

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15. And if one day we realize that the most loving choice in our marriage is to part ways, to grow in different directions, with different experiences, I promise to be okay with that

While to in you divorce anger kindness of or marriage my honest love never health of threaten I’ll about and I fear, for promise and always hold be to the out our heart.

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Michelle Horton is a writer and advocate. She’s the author of Dear Sister: A Memoir of Secrets, Survival, and Unbreakable Bonds. Through the Nicole Addimando Community Defense Committee, she speaks out for her sister and the countless other victims of domestic violence criminalized for their acts of survival.